I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Who.
Did.
This?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.