[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America