If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
oh shit
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!