If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
#dnd #ttrpg
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas