Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My boss called in sick of me
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.