Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
May never get over this
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.