i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters