Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
be careful
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.