“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
it was love at first sight
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55