It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.