Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?