“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?


Ke$ha in different currencies:
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd


My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.


[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.


A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”


Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.


ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives


[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]


I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert


I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.