“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
This checks out
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong