Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.