any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
No, he would not have.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.