What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people