“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Every. Damn. Time.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Thursday Thought.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally