Every. Damn. Time.
You Might Also Like
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
All generalizations are stupid.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Isn’t
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
August 8
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster