AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
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Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, Iâve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite herânot hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasnât enough food because he said âIâm hungryâ and I said âIâm daddyâ which really wasnât the answer he was looking for.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I canât follow the plot
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, âSorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.â
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. đđ so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak đ„°đ
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i donât mean like âthe earth is flatâ type of unpopular opinion, i mean like âI think golden retrievers are annoyingâ unpopular opinion
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: thatâs our neighborâs new Smart Car
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like Iâm a pelican
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the ÂŁ100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I havenât seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think Iâd send him a picture of me with the money.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.