Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this