Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Very good news from my accountant
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I thought this was funny lol
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture