grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.