Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.