Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
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I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“I wouldn’t.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!