I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
is this how new cars are made??
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.