Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
23. the denim jacket
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today