[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”