Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.