Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
he was correct
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Art by Pastelkatto
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing