The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher