My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
my one true gender
This pepper has seen some shit
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
the prophecies have been fulfilled
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart