My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world


Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti


[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]


After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”


‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress


I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.


I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.


I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?