*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?