Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
You Might Also Like
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.