while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
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wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Today’s Times
remember
only for emergencies
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.