On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?