Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.