All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.