ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Cat is stressing him out.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
There are usually two types of merchants.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
early stone age tool
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.