Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

step 6: release the wall snake

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”