[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick