You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”![]()
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends