You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
What a year we’ve had this week.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I cannot stop laughing at this
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.