I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
What a website
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.