I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.