DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.