I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
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I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I am a gravy boat captain
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.