The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“I’m helping” 😅
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR