No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.