“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.