Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
This story is comedy gold 😂
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me :
All Day At Night
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting