What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
buys donuts instead
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.