Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Fluff me with a fork baby
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me as a therapist: omg same
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
#dnd #ttrpg
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus