Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
my professor scared me for a second
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Mountain Goat : )
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.