Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.