*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
@funTweeters
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad