“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My wife has the worst taste in men.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
man: wait
time: no
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.