When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Become ungovernable.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Who chose this font
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.